The Power of Daily Habits in Creating Successful Relationships
Studies show that about 40-50% of marriages end in divorce (American Psychological Association, 2021). Additionally, over 40% of married people report being unhappy in their relationships (Pew Research Center, 2019). Learning how to be a thoughtful partner early on can help create a stronger, lasting connection.
Schools and educational institutions don't teach us how to manage love. We often learn about love from our families, specifically our parents. If they set a good example, it helps us; if not, we may struggle. Our own experiences and communication styles also shape how relationships develop. Without learning how to handle challenges, relationships can fail or end poorly. Unhappy or broken relationships hurt not just the couple, but also family and friends.
The reality is, most relationships don't fail because of big issues like infidelity, and instead they fail because of small, negative habits. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that repeated negative patterns, such as criticism and defensiveness, can predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy (Gottman, 1994).
Are you unknowingly engaging in behaviors that could harm your relationship?
Dr. John Gottman identifies four negative behaviors that can seriously damage a relationship, known as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism: This isn't constructive and actually can be particularly harmful to your relationship because it attacks your partner's character rather than focusing on their behavior. This is different from making a complaint about something they did, which targets the action, not the person. When these behaviors become frequent, they can really hurt the relationship.
Contempt: This involves acting superior to your partner, often through sneering, sarcasm, or mocking.
Defensiveness: This occurs when you avoid taking responsibility by attacking your partner or playing the victim.
Stonewalling: This happens when one partner shuts down, gives short responses, or refuses to engage. Over time, these behaviors can become habits, damaging trust and intimacy in the relationship.
How Can Building a Mindful Relationship Benefit You
People in healthy relationships are less likely to develop illnesses such as heart disease or diabetes. They tend to maintain better eating habits and avoid harmful behaviors like smoking or excessive drinking. A supportive relationship can also reduce stress. Additionally, healthy relationships help children develop strong social skills and confidence in forming connections.
Since an unhappy relationship can elevate stress and negatively impact health, there's no better reason to adopt these mindful relationship habits below.
5 Mindful Relationship Habits for a Stronger Relationship
#1 Foster Respect and Kindness
Sometimes, we speak to our partner in ways we wouldn’t with others, assuming they will always forgive us. However, just as we show respect to friends and colleagues, we should treat our partner with the same kindness and consideration. This strengthens the relationship and builds a foundation of trust.
If we are not mindful, small hurtful moments can accumulate over time, weakening the connection. Choosing to be respectful, even in difficult moments, helps prevent this and keeps the relationship strong. When we focus on kindness, we are less likely to develop negative habits that damage our bond. Just as we regulate our words and actions with a boss or friends, we can do the same with our partner.
To build this habit, start by identifying ways to show kindness and respect. Consider whether you or your partner feel unheard, overly criticized, or unappreciated. Write down your feelings and express what you need clearly. For example, if you value eye contact or a warm greeting, communicate that openly. Practice small acts of kindness daily and discuss progress together. Over time, these habits will become natural and strengthen your relationship.
#2 Build Empathy
Empathy is the ability to truly understand and share someone else’s feelings. It creates a connection with others, strengthening relationships in meaningful ways. For example, when someone simply sits with you in silence during a tough moment or genuinely celebrates your joy, that’s empathy in action. It’s a key part of emotional intelligence and important for building a strong, healthy relationship.
To practice empathy, listen carefully and prioritize your partner’s emotions. It’s about being present for both their struggles and their triumphs. Seeing the world from their perspective allows you to support them more effectively. While some people naturally have strong empathy, it’s a skill that can be developed with practice. And as you grow in empathy, you not only understand your partner better but also gain deeper self-awareness.
When you truly understand each other’s emotions, problem-solving becomes easier, and your bond deepens. Empathy isn’t just about listening though—it’s about taking meaningful action. For example, if your partner has a difficult past, you might be mindful of certain behaviors that could trigger pain. If they’re overwhelmed, you could step in to ease their burden. These small but thoughtful gestures show your partner that you genuinely care, making your relationship even stronger.
#3 Improve Your Communication Skills
Instead of blaming your partner with “you” statements, try using “I feel” to express your emotions. For example, saying, “I feel frustrated when things are left messy” is more constructive than “You never clean up.” This approach helps prevent defensiveness and encourages a healthier, more open conversation. It’s natural for couples to fall into patterns of blame, but shifting to “I feel” statements foster understanding.
By understanding each other’s feelings and childhood experiences, couples can heal and grow together. Many couples get stuck in a “power struggle”, where blame and self-protection take precedence over connection. To move beyond this phase, couples should work toward conscious love—an intentional effort to understand personal challenges and recognize how past experiences shape the present relationship. Communicating needs clearly, practicing empathy, and approaching conversations with mindfulness can help partners build a healthier connection.
#4 Use Mindfulness to Manage Anger
Uncontrolled anger can damage your connection with your partner, making them feel hurt, unappreciated, or even afraid. It can also take a toll on your health, contributing to issues like high blood pressure, a weakened immune system, and even depression.
While venting anger might feel satisfying in the moment, acting aggressively often makes things worse. Hurtful words can break trust and make it harder to resolve conflicts. Instead, recognizing when you’re angry and taking a break to cool down can prevent regretful reactions. Giving yourself and your partner time to step back allows for a calmer, more thoughtful discussion.
Anger can serve as a signal that something deeper is bothering you. If you learn to notice some of it's early signs that will give you the space to take a moment to pause, breathe, and reflect. Once you’ve calmed down, consider what’s really triggering your emotions and your role in the situation.
#5 Learn the Art of a Genuine Apology
In a healthy relationship, taking responsibility for your actions and their impact on your partner is important. While you should never have to apologize for being yourself, love involves both acceptance and accountability. A strong relationship is built on mutual respect, which means acknowledging mistakes and offering sincere apologies when needed. Saying sorry isn’t just about clearing the air—it helps heal hurt feelings and rebuild trust. However, apologizing takes emotional strength, requiring honest self-reflection and empathy for your partner’s feelings.
When we realize we’ve made a mistake, it’s natural to feel a hit to our self-esteem. This can make us defensive, tempted to shift blame or minimize the impact of our actions. But avoiding responsibility only creates distance in a relationship. The healthiest way forward is to admit when we’re wrong and offer a genuine apology. To build this habit, be mindful of defensive reactions and take responsibility before your partner has to ask.
If your partner is hurt, pay attention to their emotions and acknowledge their pain. Show that you care through both words and actions—hold their hand, make eye contact, and let them know you understand how your actions affected them. Apologize sincerely, taking full ownership of your behavior. In more serious situations, like breaking trust through dishonesty or financial secrecy, additional effort—such as open communication and transparency—may be needed to rebuild confidence. While words matter, true apologies are shown through actions, proving your commitment to making things right and strengthening your relationship.
Wrapping it up
Strong relationships don’t just happen—they grow when we practice good habits every day. While big romantic gestures can be nice, it’s the little things—how we talk to each other, show kindness, handle problems, and say sorry—that really make a relationship strong. These habits don’t just help relationships—they also make us better people and improve our well-being.
The best way to start is to focus on one habit at a time. Small changes add up, and over time, they become part of who we are. A good relationship isn’t just about finding the right person—it’s about choosing to care for and grow with each other every day.
References:
American Psychological Association. (2021). "Divorce." APA. https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce
Pew Research Center. (2019). "The State of Marriage and the Family in America." Pew Research. https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/05/14/the-state-of-marriage-and-the-family-in-america/
National Divorce Association. (2020). "The Financial Costs of Divorce." National Divorce Association. https://www.nationaldivorceassociation.com/financial-cost-of-divorce/
Gottman, J. (1994). "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail." Simon & Schuster.
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